Goddess

Directed by Mark Lamprell
Starring Laura Michelle Kelly and Ronan Keating
In UK Cinemas July 4th, 2014

by Laura Patricia Jones

Ronan Keating’s first film role playing alongside an acclaimed musical theatre star? “Sure, I’ll have a bit of that.” I thought naively.

Most musicals translate well from stage to screenplay. Sometimes when a producer comes up with the hair brained idea to adapt a popular film to the stage it can all go a bit Frank Spencer meets Juke Box disaster – this film is an example of the rare time it manages to go the other way round. Goddess is the story of bored young house wife Elspeth (Kelly) who runs away from the entrapment of her life in a remote part of Tasmania with her twins and work-away husband (Keating) to seek fame and fortune. But this plot set up doesn’t really work convincingly as doe-eyed Eslpeth doesn’t strike you as the kind of woman who would run onto a plane and leave her children with a stranger after a dog eat dog company picked up her viral video “Corporate Bitch.”

Initially I do my best to be drawn in.  I mean, as a child who often binged on musical theatre and as a gay man trapped inside a woman’s body, this should be right up my street. The Sound of Music parody at the beginning is predictable and overdone. To begin with, I am laughing in places – the twin boys are particularly cute and entertaining, but this novelty soon wears off.

Laura Michelle Kelly is pitch perfect in every possible way when it comes to her delivery of the songs and dance numbers. However, the “Sink Songs” – Unfortunately the main feature of the entire film makes me want to hang myself from a curtain rail rather than donning a pair of rubber gloves and joining in. In essence, Kelly is making the best of a bad script. The ending is cheesy, predictable, and reminds me of the time West Life dueted with Mariah Carey minus the rip of a perfectly good Phil Collins song.

People in the audience were actually laughing, not with amusement but with sheer shock at their trip to the cheese factory. In fact, I’m pretty sure I left reeking mildly of Cathedral City. Its saving grace is Ronan in the nuddy, complete with full bum shot and plenty of topless Keating action to satisfy every former teenage Boyzone fan. I have a friend who has a selection of films he reserves specifically for hangovers and I will be going to recommend this to him.

Go to see it if you’re on the menopause and looking to extinguish a hot flush or looking to treat granny to an afternoon date, there will certainly be a Werthers Original or two in it for you! End verdict? Can Keating transfer his talents from studio to screen? Well I guess so, “It’s only words” right?