By Dr Pop!

Dr Pop! is back, and I’ll be passing comment on this season of the X Factor, though it might take me some time to recover from tonight’s shocking episode. One can only hope that future episodes feature songs that sounded like someone being strangled in the first place, like ‘The Hits of Bon Jovi’, ‘Spice Girls Solo Singles’ and tonight’s shocking “interpretations” of some of the best songs of all time are never ever repeated.

The last time something this bad happened, it was actually on Pop Idol a few years ago. Rosie Ribbons left the competition for MURDERING ‘The Winner Takes It All’ (a song which should never be attempted, no matter who you are!). In contrast, Will Young did a lovely, albeit quite chin-smiling, rendition of ‘The Name of the Game’ and Gareth Gates swayed through a ‘reggae version of ‘One Of Us’.

Loose Lips EXCLUSIVE!! We should be able to reveal shortly if the rumours of Gareth training as cabin crew for Virgin Atlantic are true!! Anyway, here is my running commentary of tonight’s X Factor, if anyone can be bothered to carry on:

Oh dear, Kate is in purple – doesn’t that mean she is “close to death”??

Ooooh Abba! How exciting! Shame Agnetha’s not on, though I do agree Bjorn is a musical genius. He needs to get a better haircut. Oh dear, Bjorn and the McDonald brothers. *shudder* How can any of this lot compare to the wondrous Agnetha or Frida?

Nikita – I quite like her. But ‘Dancing Queen’? Does she realise the range needed for this?

Oh no. Why can they never get backing tracks right?

She’s alright, but she’s not a patch on even S Club 7’s version!

My ears are bleeding now, what is she doing?? She’s murdering us with her voice!

Robert is on his way. Well won’t that be lovely. Someone needs to get that man a straight jacket, and perhaps a coffin…

I’ve suddenly been distracted by an advert for a restored version of The Little Mermaid, how exciting! Now that’s got a proper soundtrack! Anyway, I digress.

I like this lot, Eton Road. They’re quite sweet in a normal sort of way! Strange name. Although ‘Does Your Mother Know’? I wonder how many of theirs do! Hurrah! They’re great! The strange one keeps getting paler each week though – he needs to have a sunbed or at least a spray tan.
Sharon’s right – completely camp! Love it.

Louis calls it “having fun”. We all know he loves it when one of his acts is on at G-A-Y just so he can be on the stage, bopping about.
Oh, bloody Robert. I really can’t see this working. It’s bloody Frank Bruno on speed. Wearing velour! Actually, this could have been a car crash, but its like sort of accidentally bumping into a trolley in a car park. And he’s the only one so far to take advantage of a key change! Good job!

No Louis, it’s not brave! It had a slow beginning, that’s all!

Oh, Leona! I wonder if she’ll do ‘The Winner Takes It All’ and do a Rosie Ribbons!

Chiquitita! Can she do it? If there’s any Beyonce wowling she’s had it.

Oh, a little bit there. Its a bit ‘free CD with The Mail on Sunday sung by the Chorus Group of High Wycombe’. The end was good though, she should have done Fernando!

Sharon: She’s right, no more Christina Shaky Lip – that shall be my new campaign!
Oh Christ. Get these McDonald brothers out – I might mute this just so I don’t have to sit through the pain! This is awful!! Who is voting them through each week?? I’ve heard better flatulence than this!

Simon’s face says it all! Who knew a Scottish folk version of ‘Fernando’ would ever be performed? I wish I hadn’t lived to see the day.

LOUIS! Stop telling Scotland to vote for them! Disown them Scotland! Banish them to somewhere else! I hear the South Pole is quite nice this time of year.
Ray’s doing ‘Waterloo’. I see they’ve recycled last week’s suit with a nice cravat type thing. How interesting – they’ve also recycled last week’s music! He has a strangely large head too. This swing thing is getting boring. What’s he going to come up with next? A swing version of “Livin’ on a Prayer” if the producers pay attention to my future show themes.

Simon is quite right, nobody cares about Louis’ opinion.

I think they’ve saved the worst for last – Ben and Sideshow Bob/Ashley still to come! Too shouty Ben! No points from Dr Pop!

Sideshow Bob, er, Ashley. Oh, he’s getting the words wrong already! Terrible! I can’t watch this, he sounds like a singing tuba!!


If you didn’t see this week’s X Factor, lucky you. If you did, Dr Pop! recommends some songs to go and buy to try and put a mental block in place so you never have to think about it again (apart from Eton Road, we like them).

Girls Aloud – The Crazy Life, Girls Aloud – Singapore, Jamelia – Beware of the Dog, Pet Shop Boys – Its A Sin, Sugababes – Easy, Girls Aloud – Sacred Trust, Girls Aloud – Money, actually all of The Sound of Girls Aloud 2 disc edition, Hazell Dean – Who’s Leaving Who?, something else by Girls Aloud, bit more Girls Aloud for good measure…

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