Snakes on a Plane: An Inappropriate Movie Review
by Dani Aronson (aka Ivana Gayman)
The Gayman likes nothing more than some large snakes on a Saturday night. Samuel L Jackson’s ‘snake’ was on fire and ready for action. For this movie sexperience, Gayman and her posse went to her favorite local theatre in Brooklyn. There were many hot male movie goers. One of them was in biker shorts. Gayman had her sights set on him for the post movie make-out.
The lights went out and everyone cheered – we were about to get mindfucked by some snakes! The movie starts with Nathan Phillips (a sexy Aussie who has appeared on Neighbours! Ivana loves him!) – he plays a young Hawaiian surfer who has witnessed a murder at the hands of Eddie Kim, a local gangstaaaar. Sam L Jacko is the FBI agent who flies with him to LA to testify. Juliana Margulies plays a flight attendant, and actually tries to channel Dame Judi Dench in her far too serious performance.
Eddie Kim is a very smart killer, and he comes up with a genius plan to stop Nathan Phillips from testifying against him. SNAKES… ON A P.L.A.N.E!!! The beginning of the flight seems normal as usual. There is a kooky cast of characters on board. Sammy L J sits like a pimp in first class and is annoyed that the flight attendants aren’t attending to his ‘snake’. He asks Juliana what’s up and she says “I’ve had it with your kind.” OMG! Does she mean black people? No – she just means “FBI agents that take up all the first class seats.”
Suddenly a timer goes off and the snakes are set free – the audience had a collective orgasm when this happened! Applause! The snakes begin to slither all over the plane, and nobody suspects a thing. The first victims get it for breaking the first rule of horror film survival: having sex in the plane bathroom. The snake goes for the breast implant first (good choice) and then joins the couple for an unexpected ménage a trois avec le snake – who fucks them both (Editor’s note: No way Gayman!!! OMG!!!). The crew hear their cries but just assume some really good shagging is going on. Then a smart snake bites some of the wires that cause turbulence. One of the pilots goes to check it out. He gets it, but everyone thinks he has just had a heart attack.
So now the snakes have had time to really spread out. One crawls up a fat lady who seems to enjoy the snake in her dress. A man goes to have a wee and a snake crawls up from the toilet and attacks HIS ‘snake’ – now the jig is up! The snakes attack and the passengers get more excited than Hugh Grant at a hooker convention. Sammy Jackson goes buckwild with a tazer gun – he is such a pimp!
Eventually the surviving passengers block the snakes. When Sammy J said “I’ve had it with these motherfookin snakes on this motherfookin plane” everyone in the theatre was C R A Z Y in love with his ass! I won’t give everything away but I bet you can figure out what happens. There are some snakes on the plane, and Samuel Jackson kicks their asses because he is a BAD motherfucker. Bobby Cannavale plays Sammy J’s agent on the ground. He should have been naked –that would have made this experience even more creamtastic. Bobby Cannavale is a sexy beast.
If you go to see this movie, know what you are getting into. The writing is horrible, but amazing at the same time. The acting is ridiculous – but they are acting with fake snakes. The body count is high. There are snakes biting eyes, cocks, boobs, arms, necks and tongues! Something that makes me laugh is that the studio debated delaying the release of the movie because of the current terrorist scare in London. I don’t think the terroristos will be using snakes against us anytime soon… or will they? All I know is, if Sammy Jackson is on my flight I’m stickin’ with him. Even if there isn’t a real snake attack you’d want this bad mutha to protect you just in case!
Some useful advice if you were ever to encounter SNAKES ON A PLANE:
