Loose Lips Does Dallas


Features, Television | by — July 9, 2006


by Marko Domazet

Can you believe it has been more than a quarter of a century since Dallas – the mega soap of the mega soaps – first captured the hearts of audiences worldwide and introduced us to the fabulous characters of JR, Sue Ellen, Bobby and Lucy? Yes, I know it totally doesn’t feel like it, but I’m totally telling you the truth.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ll all agree that the show was absolutely amazing. The formula was so simple, but oh so cool. Have a bunch of actors interact with cattle, make sure none of them can master an authentic Southern accent and tease the hair. For 13 years Dallas enticed us into the world of rich Texan oil magnates, their alcoholic wives and, despite pulling off crazy ass stunts such as killing Bobby and bringing him back to life a year later, the show was pulling in a weekly audience of about 380 million viewers.

Some of the cast made an appearance on a Terry Wogan special a couple of weeks ago and it was hard to believe that so many years had passed. Bobby Ewing (yes, he does have a real name, but he will always be Bobby I tell you. Always! The man co-starred in a sitcom with Susanne Sommers which by default means that he has given up any human rights) was there, as were Sue Ellen and JR.

These sort of reunion shows are rarely fabulously controversial as the guests never reveal any significant secrets, but we all love to see what time has done to them. In this case, Father Time has not been good to Bobby. We’re talking bad botox, ugly sailing shoes and an abundance of grey hairs. Also, for someone who always played second fiddle to JR he was definitely trying to hog the limelight.

Linda Grey, bless her soul, looked absolutely amazing, but failed to deliver any excitement. She smiled and talked about how fun the show was, but other than that she didn’t really contribute. Snore.

Finally, there was JR and the man still had it going on! OK, he could only last for a few minutes at a time, but he still had it going on. Love it! We’re talking making an entrance and throwing a wad of fake $20 bills (with a pic of his face on them) in the air, presenting Terry with a hat and getting totally distracted by all the cameras and flashing lights.

The fabulous thing about this event was that it was as much about the crowd as it was about the stars. A lot of fat men dressed in cowboy gear (hell, if one had been in a more, shall we say, unchristian state of mind, it would have been rather simple to assume one was at a south London sauna as opposed to a BBC sound stage) along with your standard British white trash. Big love goes to the self-confessed drugged up black girl sitting behind us and the hardcore German fan quartet (why are they always German by the way?).

A friend of a friend once had sex with a cowboy who screamed ‘Ride that dick! Make it yours!’ Well, Loose Lips didn’t get to ride a dick, but I’m sure riding a Texan dick must leave you with the same feeling my partner in crime and I felt after leaving the show. Sweaty and quite relieved it’s all over.
Yeah. That’s all.

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