Superficial and Inappropriate Theatre Reviews

by Dani Aronson

Sydney Theatre Co. at BAM (Brooklyn NYC)
Starring: Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, some other Aussies who have probably been on Neighbours

Cate Blanchett is one of the best actresses on the planet. The supporting cast was underwhelming and the other females were dowdy in comparison to Queen Blanchett. They would deliver a line, and then Queen Blanchett would glide across the stage and respond with her far superior acting skill; it was like the person just got fucked hard, no lube, in the ass. Hugo Weaving is one of the most skilled character actors to ever exist. His beard had more talent and skill than any of the other male actors. When Weaving and Blanchett were together onstage it was almost orgasmic. Giovanni Ribisi was also in attendance that night. He was in The Gift with Cate Blanchett. He is a snazzy dresser, but almost as short as Tom Cruise. He probably has a small penis. Marko has a talent at guessing penis size. I wonder what his thoughts are? I bet Hugo Weaving is ginormous. This production is worth seeing for Cate and Hugo alone. If the understudy happens to be on the night you attend you’re fucked. The dialogue of HEDDA is brilliant (It’s Ibsen, so of course). Cate’s costumes are beautiful. Hugo Weaving’s eyebrows have been my obsession since Priscilla Queen of the Desert. I recommend you see this production if you get a chance. Bring a change of pants because Cate and Hugo will bring you to a level of theatre ecstasy you have never experienced before.

Starring: Cynthia Nixon, John Slattery, John Gallagher Jr, Tyne Daly, some other ho

Rabbit Hole is one of the most depressing plays I’ve seen (when you buy your ticket they tell you to buy tissues) yet manages to have some of the funniest and wittiest banter at the same time. Cynthia Nixon is amazing, and looks super hot blonde. I don’t know if it’s all the lesbian sex, but she has a glow about her these days. John Slattery is a sexy old dude. He can be my daddy any day. Tyne Daly has the best lines in the play which the man sitting behind me stated out loud five times (asshole). John Gallagher Jr is a little young, but I’ve wanted to do very naughty things with him ever since Pieces of April with pre-alien baby host Katie Holmes. The other actress in the play is not worth discussing. There were 2 kids from Jersey sitting next to Jenny and I. They were trying to take pictures during the play (who does that?), and then tried to bribe to doorman to let them backstage to meet Miss Nixon. They totally thought they were going to see Sex and the City on stage. Sad sad children. So after we went down the street to get coffee and discuss the play. A homeless woman stood and and screamed in this woman’s face “SPARE SOME CHANGE BITCHHHH?” and the woman coldly responded “I work for my money” and took a sip of her 6 dollar latte. I love New York. Rabbit Hole was great.

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