My Night With Henry Churches: Enrique Iglesias, Sex and Love

Sex and Love
Enrique Iglesias
UK Release Date: March 17th, 2014

by J. Mo

Sex and Love was my first time spending a night with the oozing bag of Latino sex appeal that is Enrique Iglesias (trans. Henry Churches). Sure, I’ve heard ‘Hero’ and ‘Tonight I’m F*cking You’, but never have I gone all the way and listened to an entire album. I was nervous, sure, but I felt safe knowing this was Henry’s tenth time at album-making. After an awkward start, I eventually got into the swing of things. Henry even got some of his mates involved – Pitbull, Flo Rida, Kylie and J Lo. It was quite the night, but I felt quite grubby and ashamed in the morning.

All the songs on this album are in some way about sex and love, but Henry likes to come at it from lots of different angles (stop it Henry, I’m blushing). And with 15 catchy songs in under an hour, he makes for a very efficient lover. I mean, musician.

Like every good-looking guy only after one thing, handsome Henry has a penchant for cheesy lines and a very good rhyming dictionary. But I’d really like him to take the next step and start rhyming his Spanish and English for the ultimate in schmaltz. I have even penned a few examples to get him started: ‘mi amor…the dance floor’, ‘hablo ingles…little black dress’, ‘te quiero…mint choc aero’.

Guaranteed hit ‘Beautiful’ features pop legend Kylie and helluva lotta autotune. This song wins the hotly contested prize for Most Cliched Lyrics with lines like “It used to be, you and me / Love like no other / The world around, could fall apart / But we had each other.” But if I listened to this song on the wrong day of the month, I’d most probably cry. Dammit Henry, playing on my womanly weakness!

Feminist anthem ‘Just A Woman’ increases the cliche count by 100% with poetry such as “she’s the only one that steals your heart just like a thief, makes you lay roses at your feet, but you know to kiss the rose, the thorns will make you bleed”. And yet…if I looked out my window to see Henry stood outside, top off, in the rain, singing this song to me, I don’t doubt something would stir within me.

Dance floor filler ‘You and I’ is bound to be a hit with psychopaths the English-speaking world over. “You and I in a field full of stars, we can hide from the world if you want…There’s nobody, we’re alone-lone-lone…I’ll bring you to a place that only we know tonight…Just you and I”…and my shovel, no one knows where you are and you won’t get phone signal in this dark field. “All I need is your hand and your heart”…the rest of you I’ll bury in the woods over there. He’s a wrongun, I know this. And yet I’m still listening to the album – how does Henry do it?

A good chunk of the album is taken up with songs that you could’ve sworn Henry has released before, with Euro pop titles like ‘Bailando’, ‘I’m A Freak’ and ‘Turn The Night Up’. And surely there is no more Latino-Hispanic pop song in existence anywhere on this planet than ‘Physical’, featuring hot mama Jennifer Lopez. Despite my Anglo-Saxon cynicism, these songs transport me, giddy and gleeful, to a sweaty bar on some coming-of-age Mediterranean holiday, drinking curious blue drinks that glow in UV light with girls with halter neck sunburn marks and boys with too much gel on their hair. Then, somewhere through the sweaty condensation, sexy old Henry appears next to me on the dance floor, kissing my neck and grinding a drunken lob-on against my thigh. Oh Henry! You get me every time, no matter how hard I fight. I’m so weak, especially now you’ve had the mole removed.

The album ends with ‘El Perdedor’ (trans. The Loser), which Wikipedia informs me is the opening theme of Mexican telenovela Lo Que La Vida Me Robó (trans. What Life Stole From Me). This closing number is a full-on, gushing reminder that, aside from all the delightful, thrusting Euro pop, Henry also does Latino slush really rather well indeed. Pass me the tissues please. No, not like that.

Sex and Love with Henry Churches is all kinds of wrong and yet so achingly right. You know you shouldn’t but, like all bad things in life, it is highly infectious. Despite my best intentions, and no matter how many times my girlfriends tell me I can do better, I’ll no doubt turn up at Henry’s door again one of these nights when I’ve had too much wine. This is no one night stand. This is my dirty little secret, a guilty habit that I won’t get over until I’ve had lots of therapy. Or until I find a boyfriend. Whichever comes first.