by Dani Aronson
Is it just me or is Richard Ayoade super sexy? I used to think I was alone, but through talking to fellow nerd lovers (of the lusting for male variety); I have learned he has many admirers. What makes Richard a super dreamy specimen? His nasal (yet posh) voice, his use of big words, his thick black frames, his man thighs, his direction of indie music videos, his work on The IT Crowd / Mighty Boosh / Time Trumpet, his strong hands, his amazing afro… It’s all these things and more.
I have heard rumours that Richard is recently married. Who is this woman you ask? Some BLONDE lady. There is no greater offense, than hot dark haired men marrying blondes! This is just my opinion. Is this woman really worthy of our Richard, sex god of the nerds? I propose this to you Richard:
Divorce the light haired devil woman you call your ‘wife’—marry me and Joanna. We can share. Joanna will play you songs on guitar and accordion, I will cook you meals to nourish the soul and belly, we will give you massages, back cracks, and b-jays on Sunday. We will spray your sexy mane with racially appropriate conditioners, and clean your glasses when they steam up (because you surely can’t stand the sexy of Ivana AND Joanna). You will be like Warren Jeffs, but educated, sexy, married to two hot Jewesses, and not a paedophile. You can have afternoon delight with that red hot ginger Joanna, and the most famous baps in Queens Park can feed you brunch (just ask the Greek men!).
Richard, our love, mon petit lapin… come and be ours forever. Or, you know, just marry me, and we can hook Joanna up with Naboo. You look like a man that likes cats, and Joanna is allergic. On second thought, forget Joanna! It’s you and me Richard. You’ll come to Brooklyn, we’ll shack up, drink locally brewed beers, go to the local craft fairs, have children, get a bugaboo, join the Park Slope listserv, only eat organic, and replace Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal as Brooklyn’s most fabulous couple.