by Marko Domazet
In between panicking about the amount of carbs consumed over the festive period or why there’s no money left to hit the sales, I like to ponder all the things the year 2007 will throw our way film-wise. (Also, I hate end of year reviews. What’s the point of talking about something we’ve already experienced? Lazy glossy magazine wankers!) So, hold onto your seats and join me for a rant about all things that could make 2007 the year for film.
Film + Alcohol + Cigarettes
With the smoking ban upon us (again, wankers!), I think it’s important to cherish those last few months during which we are allowed to indulge in the primal pleasures only the combination of film, cigarettes and booze can offer. Try Rock n’ Roll Cinema at 93 Feet East, the ongoing Halloween Festival and some fabulous Sunday roasts at Rouge.
With Shortbus bedrockin’ it’s way through the cinemas of the world, I would like to see more real sex in 2007. Ditch the Ukrainian porn stars, badly-lit homemade videos starring Paris Hilton and bring real sex to mainstream cinemas, along with the actors ballsy enough to pull it off. And while the powers that be are at it, impose a dress code forcing all those attending screenings of an adult nature to flaunt their best 70’s pimp/rollergirl gear with compulsory oversized shades and/or fake pearls. Hot!
Please feed the actresses. In fact, don’t stop until they start looking like people again. I see Renee Zellweger ballooning as a result of excessive carb intake and nailing the role of her career as Kirstie Alley’s retarded sister in the third masterpiece instalment of ‘Look Who’s Talking Now’. Kate Bosworth gains a cult following after playing the Yummy Mummy that gets butchered outside Primark in ‘Yummy Mummy Slaughter’. The Olsen twins live another year.
Berlin, Stockholm, London. They will be bigger and better than ever and yes, Loose Lips will suck cock in our finest pimp/rollergirl bling to get accreditation (see also Porn).
The forever misunderstood thespian needs a role she can pull off so the rest of us don’t have to suffer anymore. Somebody please give it to her. Hard.
Will poor Madge win an Oscar in 2007?
YouTube and IMDB
Those folks at The Internet are at it again and why not if it means that everyone can put up their ‘work’. How do we fix it? Stop IMDB from turning into The Mutual Appreciation Society of Posers (no, it doesn’t count if your film has been screened at your film school) and replace with listings of working industry professionals. Make sure YouTube offers full length, hi-res downloads of our favourite high school films. With optional deleted scenes and bloopers. Free of charge.
Happy 2007 everybody!