Just watched the full rehearsal for the Brit Awards… Prince will be there, not that The Sun, et al – didn’t make it quite clear he was coming! And I quote…. Newtface: “So, this bloke called Prince, he’s a singer, and he sings, so the Brit Awards, eh? Singers go there and er, sing”*
* This might not be the exact lines used, however the English language is all about semantics, you see..
Other than Prince (or is it still that effing sign thing)?? its dullsville – quite possibly the most boring Brit Awards ever.. why no inflatable legs this year? Jim Henson creations singing backing vocals? Or lead vocals for that matter? Where are The Aloud (as in Girls) – have they not been a tad more successful this year than Ian Brown or the Magic Sodding Numbers? Anyway, as per, I digress… What lovely white drapes over the chandeliers, and what even nicer almost arabic-style orange and red curtains over the stage.. and lovely lights – its all very lovely – are they pillows? – and a bit precious… ten people round a table!? For Thirty Grand!? Eh?
So, as its such a bland show lets start with what should be the highlight (it didn’t happen in this order, but if I list it chronologically you’ll die of boredom before this point arrives…) So, Kelly – wonderful, has broken free from her American Idol-mould, everyone is talking about, didn’t thank American Idol at the Grammys, etc – Clarkson can’t sing Since You Been Gone for toffee, she keeps going tits up on the high notes! Which is a shame, as she’s so flat its unreal, although the little muppets at the front of the stage (not Jim Henson ones.. real people ones pretending to dance) don’t seem to notice this.. She attempts a crowd surf, sort of, by running to the front of the stage thingy – and then remembers she’s not Nirvana! But she should have chosen Because of You, Becasue its Easier To Sing – take note Sony BMG! She’s definately the one to watch – perhaps its another Sam Fox/Mick Fleetwood moment!!
James Blunt bleh! Coldplay – bleh! KT Tunstall – ooh, actually, this is quite bleh, but its far superior to the normal version – yes, thats why – she’s got some nice drums but bleh – and she’s rehearsed about a million times, unfortunately for her if she does it another once it’ll be Suddenly I Cant See As A Bit of the Rigging Has Just Fallen on my Vocal Cords, accident – honestly!!!! Kaiser Chiefs – seem like they don’t want to be here! Paul Weller – bleh! bleh! bleh! bleh!
Actually, come to think of it – why are Mastercard sponsoring this? Surely this is a prime opportunity for Radio Two.. Look at them!!! Look at the performers – they’ve been on Radio Two’s playlist at least once!! They could even get Terry Wogan to do a voiceover while Chris Evans is speaking, surely he’ll be too pissed by later on to be coherent! We can only hope anyway….
Kanye West? Time to not watch this now…. Ooh, Gorillaz, but no Madge – very impressive, and what an enormous choir! I think… can’t see from where I’m standing now.. And apparently – Best Male is being won by Keith Harris & Orville, and being collected by what looks like a Romanian refugee, clearly brought in for her lifting ability for all those heavy pieces of staging equipment…. oh, oh, really? We don’t hear the winners before the show… aah, this makes more sense.
Oh, really – this is too dull to write about anymore – don’t watch it – you really won’t enjoy it, unless its for KT’s nice drums, or Kelly’s attempt at sounding like she’s trying to jam a spanner down her throat whist sucking iron filings (We love Kelly.. we really do, but it sounds so bad – and she’s the only pop on the show, she can’t look bad – this will mean pop looks bad, and she’ll be outcast in the VIP bar round the back of the stage, with indie people sneering, and Keane looking like runny cheese, and being able to see Kaiser Chiefs socks through their ‘loafers’!!!) now, if only Terry Wogan was allowed out of Golden Sunshine Retirement Centre for more than each morning when the nurses aren’t looking or one night a year for his Jolly to some far flung country, like Greece….. then we’d have something to write about! Speaking of which.. Eurovision. The madness begins. Soon. Ish.